Peace

  Last night I dreamt that I was standing at the summit of an incredible mountain. The view was breathtaking. Looking over the edge and downward, I saw clouds and a night sky. If I tried hard enough, I could stretch my arm out far enough and reach stars. The downward sky was pitch black, and the only reason I could even see the clouds was because the mountain I was standing on was glowing. 

  Dream me would occasionally retreat a few steps away from the edge back toward the center and lie on her back to look up at what would be the sky, but instead were warships and tanks, scared and worried faces of people enduring a war... There was a lot of fire and to the far left was a building which had collapsed because all sorts of forms of transportation that didn't make sense, had collided into it. The scene was completely devoid of color and sound as if these things had chosen to discern themselves from the atrocity.

  I felt peace. I didn't worry. I knew the world above me was going to end and that the plague of the war's aftermath was going to soon engulf my unintentional place of solitude. I was okay.

  And maybe after all, it is about being okay. Life is about taking those things in which we have no control over and being okay with them because God has control. There is beauty in disaster because God does make beautiful things out of dirt and dust. Flowers and vegetation grow out of dirt and soil just as we grow from the dirt of our mistakes and tough times that we endure.

  I have had 3 months of reflection over the dirt of my life.  My constant errors, situations that have risen (apart from my errors) and I can see the silver lining. Believe me I'm running for it and I'm not stopping or slowing down. 

  I believe when we are young enough to not have a considerable past (however old enough to design one), our line of sight is broadened yet not as much as to see things deeper than at face value.  I guess maybe I'm only speaking for myself when I say that I wanted to experience and learn.  What I've gathered from experiencing are narrowed eyes and caution.  I have absolutely no regrets regarding the decisions I've made in my past because now not only do I have reason for my actions, but I have heart accompanying reason.  I won't be ashamed of the dirt from which I've risen because I'm still growing. I no longer am concerned over what lies on the opposite side of expanded horizons, but have what I have and am doing what I am doing because I love what I have, and I love what I do. It isn't foolish to be curious over what lies "beyond," it is an urge of a young and ambition person.

  When they also retreat, they'll realize that there is nothing that they want. The home and people they have, they'll love and with reason and without reasonable doubt.

B.Thompson

Fifteen Minutes to Close

I have fifteen minutes to blog about whatever. I'm going to rant, and I'm going to make lots of run-on sentences, and this will make no sense.

Josh Gingell, I saw you yesterday and nothing has been more refreshing than to see you smile after hearing you cry so hard. I love you, strangely enough, as a brother.  I pray for you every single second of my life, think about you to the point of no sleep.  I woke up a couple of nights ago in a right-side up fetal position with my head stuffed in a sopping wet pillow, sweating like nobody's business. I can't stop thinking about you. I think about the silly stuff, and think that if you can no longer be silly like you used to, that I don't think I want to be alive.  Everything up until this point seems so incredibly insignificant. All of the fights, all of those bad times that we let consume us.  That I let consume me. It's nothing. Your health and survival are everything.  You are and always will be a part of my family.  My brother, if I could hold you tight and absorb your cancer, I would if it meant alleviating you and seeing you be happy and healthy again.  I think a lot about you having a family, and you having a wife that you make very happy and me being a very good friend that comes over and takes your kids for ice cream and has "dinner parties" with you.  Over and over again, I think about how silly everything up until this point is! Life seems so short, and you seemed so everlasting.  You will be, Josh.  I would honestly defeat the entire Green Lantern Corps. to steal their rings and will you to be alive and healthy for as long as Godly possible. I have seven minutes, it isn't enough time. I'm going to keep going.

  I'm going to be here regardless of anything or anyone. If seeing you meant climbing over rocks in a moat infested with gators and tarantulas i'd do it.  If it meant taking several punches to the face on the way up to your mother's doorstep, i'd do it.  I will be here, and I will be praying. I love you to no end, my family.

Sometimes you think and your thoughts are loud train whistles.

  Something about being around my family this past weekend really affirmed that I am where I need to be.  Usually I'm incessantly ranting about how "Oh I don't belong in Michigan," or "man, I really need to travel." Something has absolutely changed, and I feel different.  I feel a sense of responsibility.

  Saturday night, we all took a hike through the pitch black woods (giggling like schoolgirls the entire way) to reach the dock on the lake.  Finally, after what seemed like miles, we could finally hear the slow sloshing of the water against wood. Above us was a canopy of stars, unimaginable in Detroit suburbs. Almost immediately we all stopped our conversations at once to just enjoy once-in-a-while sounds around us.  At one point, my sister grabbed my hand and told me how important she thought I was. We sat there in silence for a minute before whispering conversation about how she is scared for high school and how she's scared for Josh.  I absorbed her concerns, some not to different from my own and some very familiar.  I couldn't respond with words at the moment but I hugged her hard and couldn't shake the feeling of restfulness.  I have a job, not an obligation to be her sister and to lead her as such.

  Tuesday's news of Josh's cancer had been leveling at the surface.  I'm not sure if it usually takes this long for news such as that to actually manifest into reality, for some reason with me it did. Today, my plans seemed so foolish to me.  How could I actually follow through with leaving the country when there's the chance that something could go wrong during his surgery? There's potential that this could have metastasized? How could I be so selfish. For the past week, I've been trying to assemble my finances in a way that will allow me to be comfortable after coming home from Ireland, while he's been crunching numbers to pay medical bills. I just cannot believe I was living in a fog of justification.  This is another reason why here is where I belong.  I need to be here in whatever way, significant or insignificant, possible.

  I guess it just took a couple of days waking up uncomfortably close (to people I unconditionally love) in a tiny camper to realize that people are bigger than our ambitions. 

 

Effortless Easyflow

And I think it's quite easy,
I hope I'm not being lazy.
Perhaps what's right, doesn't always require such work?

Because there's this image in my head that I can't seem to shake,
I'm walking up your wooden stairs trying to figure out what to expect
I see your face, and I don't expect anything.

You smile and tell me you like my dress,
I turn into an Arnold Palmer of emotions at once
and all that I can think about is enjoying Otis Redding with you

All I want to do is just sit with you while my iced cappuccino melts
hear you talk about this amazing bike trip across the country.

I'll mostly smile because I don't know much about fixed gears,
I'll wish that I did.
only for the sake of understanding and probably joining you
and not so much for the fact that I could impress you with my knowledge

For some reason with you it's so easy,
and I really hope that I'm not being lazy
this thing seems entirely right.

You once told me you didn't believe in marriage,
and now you're thinking about things you won't say out loud
and I usually do the same when I know my thoughts are too soon.

I heard you say something
"what did you say?"
"Oh, nothing."
"Just say it"
"No. It's probably too soon."

And usually I'm not right about a lot of things,
but I was just right about that.
Lately, I've been very right about you.

Explanation

 Exodus 34:7, "Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting (punishing) the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation."

 If you were ever addicted to drugs or any type of substance you know that getting clean is possible, however in most cases not probable. You can completely remove yourself from the environment in which contains your resources, delete contacts from your phone whom are associated with your addiction, and pray for strength every day.  Ultimately in the back of your mind you are aware that even if you take these steps and stop using, you'll always be an addict. Life (regardless of whether or not you're wearing a 10 year clean pin or not) is going to always be a constant struggle and though we may not be able eradicate these generational curses to their entirety, we can take necessary precautions and fight them.

  A little over a year ago, I took a seemingly permanent Holiday from past relationships to rebuild and better establish myself.  Over the course of maybe 10 months my relationship with God began to strengthen, my respect and love for others began to grow (along with the desire to help them [direct bi-product of this new found love for mankind]). I became selfless and felt a tremendous sense of clarity in my life.  Although I was struggling with a stagnant relationship at the time, I felt as though I had a better sense of direction more so than ever before. This solitude and time for reflection was essential to help me fight my demons.


  I was (am) a selfish, foolish liar who desires affirmation and validation from an imperfect race.  The very men that denied God and decided that their desires were more important than putting our faith in his love, was who I was idolizing (non specific, all of mankind has/and continue to do this). 

  After those months, I felt the need to reconnect with those in which I don't deny that I love to no end.  At first this reconnection felt necessary and relieving. I felt at home yet again.  Little did I realize that relapsing doesn't only occur in substance abusers.
 
 A couple of weeks had passed and I fell into a world of conviction.  The past Brooke began to take hold of the new and redeemed Brooke and the process of digression began to actuate.  I started making mistakes and lying like crazy to prevent the world from seeing the monster I was reverting back to.  I finally had the drive to cut off the future-less relationship that I was holding on to, and used alcohol to dull the pain. I used alcohol to sleep. I used alcohol to blame for my mistakes.  The one thought that was recurring in my head the entire time was what will Katie and Mike think of the mess I've become.  How could I ever get them to forgive me? And with that I was more convicted than I'd ever been in my relationship with God.

  Restless nights and a creeping alcoholism (retrospectively) became physical ailments of my metaphysical struggles. Days passed and new knowledge that was learned acted as a bricks compressing against my heart.  It goes without saying that in some ways, these days went from bad to worse.

  Currently, I am in the calm wake of all of this reflecting with more clear of a head.  As an imperfect being (with addictive qualities) in order to grow, it is essential to not revert back to a dirty past. This decision was not made in spite of, or to blame anybody else.  The only person making the mistakes was myself and being that I am fully aware, I have the duty to act.

I will always love the two of you from a necessary distance.

B. Thompson

Identity Crisis

  Somewhere else exists a better version of me; a well composed lady with concrete blocks for feet.  During the sweltering heat, burrowing hail, and torrential rain she continues to stand unmoving.  Her eyes are wide as her eyelashes work to shield away the elements, and she flinches not even for a second. As the people of the world throw their ropes and arrows, shoot bullets, and throw rocks her sturdy legs lock her bruised body into place like a statue of not greatness, but humility.  She is  aware of her faltering foundation, however determined to hold steadfast to self-preservation. Undignified she remains humble yet allows the hardening of her heart for protection against her emotional fuel.  Her current and constant fuel is reason.

  The muscle in her arms are laced with self control and cautionary doubt.  This strength allows for loading burdens and situational packages on the neatly organized shelves of her brain.  While her feet are concrete blocks, her legs are brick and mortar of perseverance. The small bones in her hands maintain closed fists bound by a wire of tolerance.  Her unblinking eyes are great worldly receptors, seeing past face-value everything. She wills herself to be the woman of God she was intended. She is constant, and she is aware. 

  The world around her is crumbling, the cities are burning.  The towers are falling while the wind is picking up strength.  As the sun nears the earths atmosphere she refuses to blink again.  Earth's people are tugging harder at the rope begging for her to fall. While they increase their fires of blame, she receives peace and maintains. Yet again, she is constant. 

She is who I want to be. She is the better version of me.

Aching for a Command

My failures, at an instant, are signals of defeat.
Today, I’m tired of waving that white banner indicating a retreat.
because what’s retreat if you’re maintaining your very same position,
riding out the tidal waves, bearing no new acquisition?
My stagnant soul tires and screams, “Where is it I should go?”
While restless hands assist my sleepless eyes with the promise not to close.
Every gaze from your eyes reminds me of mistake,
reminds me of intermittent effort,
the trust I always seemed to break.
But I promise to fall slave to making these recurring  amends,
all the while losing sight as our love slowly descends.
I pray nightly for lacking lost cause, I hope only for ascension,
a passion powerful and true to hold us in suspension.
Give me something undeniable, words that speak truth
otherwise pull me from this frozen state;
!basta ya!, genug ist genug.

Brand New

I woke up to the sun caressing my arms and face,
It’s soft voice spoke out “These are careless days!”
“I will melt away the snow carrying your faults and defeat,
these rays will cleanse and rebuild replacing gray with green.”
For months my sheets held captive this body needing repair,
now the medicine is in the earth, the sun, the trees, the sky, the air.
I’ll skip my morning rituals so I can get to you in haste,
run weightless through the crowded streets not a second more, I’ll waste.
Your door stands lacking emotion, you bring life to the entryway,
I brought for you the sun, puddles left by winter hell, and a new day.
As I grab your wrist you smile ready for the spring to bind us closer,
we’ll run as we years before, forgetting to grow older.
The east holds nothing for us, so we’ll only travel west
inviting the sun to light the path of something more adventurous.
Your eyes reflect forgiveness that’s bleeding for me to accept
that there is no chance of regretfulness, only love lacking contempt.

Funny? How Migraine?!

Yesterday was my very first day at Rapid Response.  My nerves are always really shotty in those circumstances, so with the help of the amazing weather on Sunday, I took Casey to Ann Arbor for some window shopping, Bubble Tea, and a strut through the  Nichols Arboretum. This, of course wore me out by the time I got home causing me to carelessly throw my purse and it’s contents on the floor next to the front door, run upstairs to my disgustingly humid room, and pass out on my bed without lifting the sheets.  Anyhow, I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream about a wolf standing outside of my window in the storm, snarling at me in preparation for an impossible leap to my window.  It was ridiculous, so ridiculous in fact that upon waking up, I puked in my hands as a result of an immediate migraine.
Anyways, fast forwarding to the morning of my first day.  I took my medication for my broken head without food, because that would birth the start of incessant vomiting.  My medication has recently started having more of a dulling effect on my migraines, and less of a diminishing effect so I had to suck it up and be a body without a brain in orientation. Of course there are only 3 other people there, so my ops director is instructing less than 2 feet away from us and involving me in every conversation and asking me every question humanly possible.  Like I said, during this entire thing, I was a body without a brain.
My migraines start out as some sort of strange neurological malfunction. I lose my peripheral vision entirely, the left side of my body starts to numb, and it becomes very difficult for me to form sentences like an educated adult.  After the actual headache starts, it seems as though my left frontal lobe taps into my subconscious and strange “later thoughts” and “before thoughts” start spewing from my mouth without filter. Actually, I’ll just say really anything.
So here I am, participating in conversations with the most ridiculous comments… somehow relating zombie apocalypses to the DriveCam, and announcing that “I have to pee” to a group of strangers. At one point in time, I believe that I grabbed my purse and left the room.  When my Ops Director told me I could not leave, I shook my fist at him.
Towards the end of the day, I tried again to take my medication with the addition of Excedrin. I almost immediately returned to earth giving me the opportunity to explain my flighty self to this guy who probably thinks I’m a crazed lunatic.  Luckily for me, I was a hit and riot at Orientation and was apparently loved by Ops, and my fellow soon-to-be co workers.
“Make sure you take your psycho meds before coming in on Thursday.” -Justin, Ops.

Round 2: Thursday.  Hopefully I can be my normal self without a migraine inhibiting my flakiness.

Dunmurry, Northern Ireland

  In 65 days, I will begin my "see the world" adventure with a two week stay in Dunmurry, Northern Ireland.  This vacation could not have been planned for a better time. 

  I recently broke off a four year relationship with a man whom I had anticipated to be my husband.  Even though this is supposed to be a blog, and I'm supposed to organize my most intense feelings at this particular moment in time, I just don't really feel like getting into hairy details.  I just feel like resuming this zombie-numb state of being for as long as possible. I'm sure a few days down the road, that post will be a sloppy mess of girly emotions.  I may be some sort of train wreck, but until then... I'll just set up camp in the Twilight Zone. 

  So being that I am anticipating a major breakdown and loss of direction, I of course need something to hold me together.  That something is Dunmurry and Brittany Robinson.  The thought of touching down on the Emerald Isle and being greeted by my dear friend whom I haven't seen in almost a year is almost euphoric. 

 I shut my eyes and just imagine: My sixteen hour plan ride is nearing its destination.  I feel my right butt cheek going numb from leaning my body against the window.  As I open my eyes from the longest nap of my life, all I see is green.  I can already feel my heart beating to jump out of my chest to get a look for itself, so I cross my arms to hold it in place.  Finally the airplane stops and I jump out of my seat unsteadily.  My legs haven't recovered from such a long rest so they struggle to hold my body's weight.  I am however determined.  I grab my carry-on backpack and shove the garbage from my snacks in my pockets and impatiently stand behind the short lady who isn't paying attention as the line advances out of the plane. She is still standing, reading a magazine. Finally she realizes the clear exit and looks at me apologetically. I return the expression with a smile and we scurry out of the exit.  
   Outside, the fresh air steals away my breath with an evergreen kiss and I feel a strange sense of comfort.  I see Brittany's face, and I feel at home.  My second home away from Michigan.

Until my travel,
B.Thompson

22 For the First Time

  Not too long ago (about an hour and a half ago to be exact) I awoke with incredible cotton mouth and a freezing right leg.  I noticed upon opening my eyes 2 things;  a huge almost full moon staring at me through a large 3 panel window, and the strange notion that this 3 panel window is not a characteristic of my bedroom.  Obviously panic-stricken, I sober up from sleep just enough to conclude that I am not home and have no idea where I am.  At this point, I can't really think rationally due to the stinging of my bladder and pressure on my lower abdomen.  I have to pee for 4 days.  Again panicked, I cannot just get up and go because I don't know where I am, so what is stopping me from thinking that there aren't dozens of mousetraps lined up on the floor next to the couch for me to step in? Or maybe the floor isn't finished at all, that the carpet hasn't been laid and maybe the nails are exposed and ready to impale innocent feet? These are very rational fears at this point.  My next plan of action is to grab my phone to shed some light on the room.  I sigh at the relief of recognizing familiar furniture and breathing Apple products sporting mustaches.  For some reason, I am more than a little bit disappointed with myself, as I thought that waking up in an unfamiliar apartment was going to be an adventure.  I pictured myself crawling around (as to prevent squeaky floorboards from protesting the stranger) looking for clues as to my very own whereabouts and piecing together how I got here.  I guess it's somewhat of a relief to realize I'm just at M&K's, and probably fell asleep watching a movie.  In fact, that's exactly what I did.
  So as you may have gathered from my previous paragraph, I turned 22 today (sarcastically).  I know, there's nothing monumental about a 22nd birthday. But who's to say, that today should go unnoticed? Imagine for a second I hadn't been born at all.  Maybe you wouldn't have suffered being annoyed by an anarchist cheerleader for 4 years, or been dumped for being "like a brother to me." Maybe you would have never've kissed another girl behind your girlfriends back, or played barbies until you were almost in 8th grade.  You may not think of a perfection when you think of me, yet some part of me believes your lives are all a little better or worse for knowing me.  Whichever way it goes, I made an impact. And needless to say, I'm glad I was born.
  I was born into an amazing family, and had the pleasure of knowing so many people that I'd like to call my friends.  I graduated with a class of individualists who I now Facebook stalk and am glad to see them making their own little families,  protesting the government, and getting a 'much needed' college education.
  Anyhow, back to the story.  Remember how I said I pulled out my phone, said "LUMOS" and magically the room lit up (or something like that?) Well, I had remembered it was my birthday secondary to a couple of friendly text messages from people who thought to either refuse to conform to the ways of Facebook, or wanted to be a little bit more personal in their birthday wishes.  Thanks for reminding me at 1, 2, and 3 AM. I sincerely mean that.
  So, back to the story behind the story (if you even decide to read on with my ramblings): For some reason the realization of my 22nd year really threw the desire to meditate on me.  So I laid on the couch once more and decided to think on my goals.  The ones I've had in the past and present... those in which I've failed to accomplish... new ones... that sort of thing.  So to save my rambling, the long and short of everything is this; every goal I have ever set and (decidedly) will set revolves around the idea of becoming a better person for other people.  I always believed that one of my severe downfalls was my selfishness. Becoming an adult scared me because I was afraid that my free will would be exercised by my narcissism.  Currently, this is my largest fear.  That goes without saying that I have faltered at this many times.  I am just as imperfect as the next person, but hey, I'm trying.

I guess the point in all of this, is that if you decide to think of me on my Birthday, maybe pray that I can succeed in this sense.  I understand that this is a perpetual goal, however it is most important to me and I have all of the time in the world anyhow.

and here's a 5 AM toast with my bottle of water to having fun and living life with other people in mind, and not at their expense. To earning wisdom as it's deserved and growing without regression. And for once and for all, easing up and have a stupid good time without worrying.

B. Thompson

Gold N Time, Redford MI

As the days progress, I'm sensing that my 2.5 year reign at Gold N Time Jewelry is nearing an end.  As our economy continues following suit in depriving American citizens of jobs and money,  I think it may be time to utilize my many certifications following my college experience and actually start fighting fires. This, of course is sad because I won't be able to look forward to 8 hours of Facebooking, catching up on Grey's Anatomy and Glee, blogging at work, and online shopping ($11 an hour well spent, Mr. Bossman.)

So, in lieu of depressing thoughts, I've decided to reflect on the ridiculous things that has happened at this jewelry store:

Buying teeth: I started working here when people realized that gold can be traded for some good cashola. During my first few months here, we bought some nice stuff: chains, pendants, diamond rings... etc.  People were coming in one after another with gold, and leaving with green.  Finally, the number started dwindling and the amount of gold pieces that were sold started winding down too.  This became terrible really fast because these people selling really needed the money.  As I said earlier, the economy isn't doing too much for the working class nowadays (I'm sure I didn't need to tell you that).  Finally, it came to the point were people began selling their dental gold for money.  The first time this happened, a little elderly woman came in with what looked like could have been a full set of dentures.  Unfortunately, these were her real teeth.  And by "looked like dentures," I mean looked like a 50 Cent legitimate grill. So I guess the moral of the story is save your chompers and take them to the step 2 dentist when they're no longer in your mouth: your local jewelry store.  


Cycling Through New Hires: Enough said.  I've had the opportunity to work with all sorts of interesting people.  Jane*: the impulsive liar.  There was never a dull moment with her.  Even though 96% of the stuff she said were lies, she was still fun and interesting (even if it was a feign sense of interest.)  Teddy*: we did 25 push-ups every hour on the hour.  Cool guy.  Todd*:  coffee and cigarette breath guy.  Jessica:  My new black friend.  Probably my favorite co-worker, ever.  The rest is history.  The reason for most of these short hires is because of my boss' short fuse.  He fired most of them either because he didn't like the way they laughed, didn't trust Arabs, or because they were full of "bullshit."  Evidently, when you own a family business, you can fire people for whatever reason and it's no big deal.

Talking Back to the Boss: Basically when you're hired into a family business, you become family.  When problems arise, you don't need to communicate them in a professional manner.  All you need to do is ignore one another for 4 days straight and then act as if nothing happened. So, if I tell Nick I don't want to go to the gas station for lottery tickets, or warm up his friends food he can stomp off like a toddler and throw chairs.  This, obviously is followed by a 4 day silence period were only necessary communication is spoken and indirectly through another co-worker.  Needless to say... well, there's nothing to say in response to that.  The good thing is, is that we still maintain that work father/daughter relationship.  It really will be a bummer to leave. Him and his wife are wonderful people.

  These are really only a few things that happen here at GNT. Nothing too interesting, or boring.  As I said earlier, I will hate to go.  However, it's time to get off of my complacent butt and do what I need to do.  My future is filled with dialysis geriatrics, pukey patients, and house fires.

  I did, however dare to submit my application in with Farmington Hills fire Dept.  This road of my life leads to the unknown.  The only thing I'm sure of, is that if I am hired, I'll be moving out of my aunts and in with my lonesome at a one bedroom apartment with no telly.  For better to make music with, my dear... I guess.

B. Thompson


*-names have been changed to protect the innocent.  Actually, I don't particularly like talking about people whom I no longer associate with.  Changing their name makes me feel that much better.

First Post Always Sucks

  As you may or may not already know, my name is Brooke.  The purpose of this blog is to inspire twenty-something-year-olds to (at times) give into their child-like creativity, stay busy doing crazy fun things, and to venture out to new places, learn languages... That sort of thing. 
 
Also, if you are familiar with me, you know that I am a medium-sized female entering a rather challenging career full of risks, heavy lifting, and meaty men.  I embrace and encourage challenges (no matter their size.) A majority of my posts may end up being about something difficult I had to do (work related) or a seemingly pointless task I chose to endure, were the benefit may be unclear or clearly non-existent (non-work related).
 
Mostly, my aim is to get others to step out of their boxes based on my experiences.  I will try to be as descriptive as possible throughout the course of however long using pictures, words (obviously), and music.  Embarrassingly enough, I currently DO NOT own a digital camera to upload photos, however I'm slowly trying to fix that.  Needless to say, My pictures will suck.  That's a promise, not a problem. I never said I was a good photographer on any level. I'm better at making the jams anyhow.
 
Music has become a very large part of my life as well.  Currently I am unsuccessfully trying to assemble a group of people to partake in a summer project.  I can promise that many of my posts will be me ranting in frustration over others lack of desire to play some music with me. Mostly I'll try to stick to posting something at least semi-fun.  Uh. I guess that's the gist of things.

Like I said, the first post always sucks.
B. Thompson