And I think it's quite easy,
I hope I'm not being lazy.
Perhaps what's right, doesn't always require such work?
Because there's this image in my head that I can't seem to shake,
I'm walking up your wooden stairs trying to figure out what to expect
I see your face, and I don't expect anything.
You smile and tell me you like my dress,
I turn into an Arnold Palmer of emotions at once
and all that I can think about is enjoying Otis Redding with you
All I want to do is just sit with you while my iced cappuccino melts
hear you talk about this amazing bike trip across the country.
I'll mostly smile because I don't know much about fixed gears,
I'll wish that I did.
only for the sake of understanding and probably joining you
and not so much for the fact that I could impress you with my knowledge
For some reason with you it's so easy,
and I really hope that I'm not being lazy
this thing seems entirely right.
You once told me you didn't believe in marriage,
and now you're thinking about things you won't say out loud
and I usually do the same when I know my thoughts are too soon.
I heard you say something
"what did you say?"
"Oh, nothing."
"Just say it"
"No. It's probably too soon."
And usually I'm not right about a lot of things,
but I was just right about that.
Lately, I've been very right about you.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Explanation
Exodus 34:7, "Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting (punishing) the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation."
If you were ever addicted to drugs or any type of substance you know that getting clean is possible, however in most cases not probable. You can completely remove yourself from the environment in which contains your resources, delete contacts from your phone whom are associated with your addiction, and pray for strength every day. Ultimately in the back of your mind you are aware that even if you take these steps and stop using, you'll always be an addict. Life (regardless of whether or not you're wearing a 10 year clean pin or not) is going to always be a constant struggle and though we may not be able eradicate these generational curses to their entirety, we can take necessary precautions and fight them.
A little over a year ago, I took a seemingly permanent Holiday from past relationships to rebuild and better establish myself. Over the course of maybe 10 months my relationship with God began to strengthen, my respect and love for others began to grow (along with the desire to help them [direct bi-product of this new found love for mankind]). I became selfless and felt a tremendous sense of clarity in my life. Although I was struggling with a stagnant relationship at the time, I felt as though I had a better sense of direction more so than ever before. This solitude and time for reflection was essential to help me fight my demons.
I was (am) a selfish, foolish liar who desires affirmation and validation from an imperfect race. The very men that denied God and decided that their desires were more important than putting our faith in his love, was who I was idolizing (non specific, all of mankind has/and continue to do this).
After those months, I felt the need to reconnect with those in which I don't deny that I love to no end. At first this reconnection felt necessary and relieving. I felt at home yet again. Little did I realize that relapsing doesn't only occur in substance abusers.
A couple of weeks had passed and I fell into a world of conviction. The past Brooke began to take hold of the new and redeemed Brooke and the process of digression began to actuate. I started making mistakes and lying like crazy to prevent the world from seeing the monster I was reverting back to. I finally had the drive to cut off the future-less relationship that I was holding on to, and used alcohol to dull the pain. I used alcohol to sleep. I used alcohol to blame for my mistakes. The one thought that was recurring in my head the entire time was what will Katie and Mike think of the mess I've become. How could I ever get them to forgive me? And with that I was more convicted than I'd ever been in my relationship with God.
Restless nights and a creeping alcoholism (retrospectively) became physical ailments of my metaphysical struggles. Days passed and new knowledge that was learned acted as a bricks compressing against my heart. It goes without saying that in some ways, these days went from bad to worse.
Currently, I am in the calm wake of all of this reflecting with more clear of a head. As an imperfect being (with addictive qualities) in order to grow, it is essential to not revert back to a dirty past. This decision was not made in spite of, or to blame anybody else. The only person making the mistakes was myself and being that I am fully aware, I have the duty to act.
I will always love the two of you from a necessary distance.
B. Thompson
If you were ever addicted to drugs or any type of substance you know that getting clean is possible, however in most cases not probable. You can completely remove yourself from the environment in which contains your resources, delete contacts from your phone whom are associated with your addiction, and pray for strength every day. Ultimately in the back of your mind you are aware that even if you take these steps and stop using, you'll always be an addict. Life (regardless of whether or not you're wearing a 10 year clean pin or not) is going to always be a constant struggle and though we may not be able eradicate these generational curses to their entirety, we can take necessary precautions and fight them.
A little over a year ago, I took a seemingly permanent Holiday from past relationships to rebuild and better establish myself. Over the course of maybe 10 months my relationship with God began to strengthen, my respect and love for others began to grow (along with the desire to help them [direct bi-product of this new found love for mankind]). I became selfless and felt a tremendous sense of clarity in my life. Although I was struggling with a stagnant relationship at the time, I felt as though I had a better sense of direction more so than ever before. This solitude and time for reflection was essential to help me fight my demons.
I was (am) a selfish, foolish liar who desires affirmation and validation from an imperfect race. The very men that denied God and decided that their desires were more important than putting our faith in his love, was who I was idolizing (non specific, all of mankind has/and continue to do this).
After those months, I felt the need to reconnect with those in which I don't deny that I love to no end. At first this reconnection felt necessary and relieving. I felt at home yet again. Little did I realize that relapsing doesn't only occur in substance abusers.
A couple of weeks had passed and I fell into a world of conviction. The past Brooke began to take hold of the new and redeemed Brooke and the process of digression began to actuate. I started making mistakes and lying like crazy to prevent the world from seeing the monster I was reverting back to. I finally had the drive to cut off the future-less relationship that I was holding on to, and used alcohol to dull the pain. I used alcohol to sleep. I used alcohol to blame for my mistakes. The one thought that was recurring in my head the entire time was what will Katie and Mike think of the mess I've become. How could I ever get them to forgive me? And with that I was more convicted than I'd ever been in my relationship with God.
Restless nights and a creeping alcoholism (retrospectively) became physical ailments of my metaphysical struggles. Days passed and new knowledge that was learned acted as a bricks compressing against my heart. It goes without saying that in some ways, these days went from bad to worse.
Currently, I am in the calm wake of all of this reflecting with more clear of a head. As an imperfect being (with addictive qualities) in order to grow, it is essential to not revert back to a dirty past. This decision was not made in spite of, or to blame anybody else. The only person making the mistakes was myself and being that I am fully aware, I have the duty to act.
I will always love the two of you from a necessary distance.
B. Thompson
Monday, July 11, 2011
Identity Crisis
Somewhere else exists a better version of me; a well composed lady with concrete blocks for feet. During the sweltering heat, burrowing hail, and torrential rain she continues to stand unmoving. Her eyes are wide as her eyelashes work to shield away the elements, and she flinches not even for a second. As the people of the world throw their ropes and arrows, shoot bullets, and throw rocks her sturdy legs lock her bruised body into place like a statue of not greatness, but humility. She is aware of her faltering foundation, however determined to hold steadfast to self-preservation. Undignified she remains humble yet allows the hardening of her heart for protection against her emotional fuel. Her current and constant fuel is reason.
The muscle in her arms are laced with self control and cautionary doubt. This strength allows for loading burdens and situational packages on the neatly organized shelves of her brain. While her feet are concrete blocks, her legs are brick and mortar of perseverance. The small bones in her hands maintain closed fists bound by a wire of tolerance. Her unblinking eyes are great worldly receptors, seeing past face-value everything. She wills herself to be the woman of God she was intended. She is constant, and she is aware.
The world around her is crumbling, the cities are burning. The towers are falling while the wind is picking up strength. As the sun nears the earths atmosphere she refuses to blink again. Earth's people are tugging harder at the rope begging for her to fall. While they increase their fires of blame, she receives peace and maintains. Yet again, she is constant.
She is who I want to be. She is the better version of me.
The muscle in her arms are laced with self control and cautionary doubt. This strength allows for loading burdens and situational packages on the neatly organized shelves of her brain. While her feet are concrete blocks, her legs are brick and mortar of perseverance. The small bones in her hands maintain closed fists bound by a wire of tolerance. Her unblinking eyes are great worldly receptors, seeing past face-value everything. She wills herself to be the woman of God she was intended. She is constant, and she is aware.
The world around her is crumbling, the cities are burning. The towers are falling while the wind is picking up strength. As the sun nears the earths atmosphere she refuses to blink again. Earth's people are tugging harder at the rope begging for her to fall. While they increase their fires of blame, she receives peace and maintains. Yet again, she is constant.
She is who I want to be. She is the better version of me.
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