Peace

  Last night I dreamt that I was standing at the summit of an incredible mountain. The view was breathtaking. Looking over the edge and downward, I saw clouds and a night sky. If I tried hard enough, I could stretch my arm out far enough and reach stars. The downward sky was pitch black, and the only reason I could even see the clouds was because the mountain I was standing on was glowing. 

  Dream me would occasionally retreat a few steps away from the edge back toward the center and lie on her back to look up at what would be the sky, but instead were warships and tanks, scared and worried faces of people enduring a war... There was a lot of fire and to the far left was a building which had collapsed because all sorts of forms of transportation that didn't make sense, had collided into it. The scene was completely devoid of color and sound as if these things had chosen to discern themselves from the atrocity.

  I felt peace. I didn't worry. I knew the world above me was going to end and that the plague of the war's aftermath was going to soon engulf my unintentional place of solitude. I was okay.

  And maybe after all, it is about being okay. Life is about taking those things in which we have no control over and being okay with them because God has control. There is beauty in disaster because God does make beautiful things out of dirt and dust. Flowers and vegetation grow out of dirt and soil just as we grow from the dirt of our mistakes and tough times that we endure.

  I have had 3 months of reflection over the dirt of my life.  My constant errors, situations that have risen (apart from my errors) and I can see the silver lining. Believe me I'm running for it and I'm not stopping or slowing down. 

  I believe when we are young enough to not have a considerable past (however old enough to design one), our line of sight is broadened yet not as much as to see things deeper than at face value.  I guess maybe I'm only speaking for myself when I say that I wanted to experience and learn.  What I've gathered from experiencing are narrowed eyes and caution.  I have absolutely no regrets regarding the decisions I've made in my past because now not only do I have reason for my actions, but I have heart accompanying reason.  I won't be ashamed of the dirt from which I've risen because I'm still growing. I no longer am concerned over what lies on the opposite side of expanded horizons, but have what I have and am doing what I am doing because I love what I have, and I love what I do. It isn't foolish to be curious over what lies "beyond," it is an urge of a young and ambition person.

  When they also retreat, they'll realize that there is nothing that they want. The home and people they have, they'll love and with reason and without reasonable doubt.

B.Thompson

Fifteen Minutes to Close

I have fifteen minutes to blog about whatever. I'm going to rant, and I'm going to make lots of run-on sentences, and this will make no sense.

Josh Gingell, I saw you yesterday and nothing has been more refreshing than to see you smile after hearing you cry so hard. I love you, strangely enough, as a brother.  I pray for you every single second of my life, think about you to the point of no sleep.  I woke up a couple of nights ago in a right-side up fetal position with my head stuffed in a sopping wet pillow, sweating like nobody's business. I can't stop thinking about you. I think about the silly stuff, and think that if you can no longer be silly like you used to, that I don't think I want to be alive.  Everything up until this point seems so incredibly insignificant. All of the fights, all of those bad times that we let consume us.  That I let consume me. It's nothing. Your health and survival are everything.  You are and always will be a part of my family.  My brother, if I could hold you tight and absorb your cancer, I would if it meant alleviating you and seeing you be happy and healthy again.  I think a lot about you having a family, and you having a wife that you make very happy and me being a very good friend that comes over and takes your kids for ice cream and has "dinner parties" with you.  Over and over again, I think about how silly everything up until this point is! Life seems so short, and you seemed so everlasting.  You will be, Josh.  I would honestly defeat the entire Green Lantern Corps. to steal their rings and will you to be alive and healthy for as long as Godly possible. I have seven minutes, it isn't enough time. I'm going to keep going.

  I'm going to be here regardless of anything or anyone. If seeing you meant climbing over rocks in a moat infested with gators and tarantulas i'd do it.  If it meant taking several punches to the face on the way up to your mother's doorstep, i'd do it.  I will be here, and I will be praying. I love you to no end, my family.

Sometimes you think and your thoughts are loud train whistles.

  Something about being around my family this past weekend really affirmed that I am where I need to be.  Usually I'm incessantly ranting about how "Oh I don't belong in Michigan," or "man, I really need to travel." Something has absolutely changed, and I feel different.  I feel a sense of responsibility.

  Saturday night, we all took a hike through the pitch black woods (giggling like schoolgirls the entire way) to reach the dock on the lake.  Finally, after what seemed like miles, we could finally hear the slow sloshing of the water against wood. Above us was a canopy of stars, unimaginable in Detroit suburbs. Almost immediately we all stopped our conversations at once to just enjoy once-in-a-while sounds around us.  At one point, my sister grabbed my hand and told me how important she thought I was. We sat there in silence for a minute before whispering conversation about how she is scared for high school and how she's scared for Josh.  I absorbed her concerns, some not to different from my own and some very familiar.  I couldn't respond with words at the moment but I hugged her hard and couldn't shake the feeling of restfulness.  I have a job, not an obligation to be her sister and to lead her as such.

  Tuesday's news of Josh's cancer had been leveling at the surface.  I'm not sure if it usually takes this long for news such as that to actually manifest into reality, for some reason with me it did. Today, my plans seemed so foolish to me.  How could I actually follow through with leaving the country when there's the chance that something could go wrong during his surgery? There's potential that this could have metastasized? How could I be so selfish. For the past week, I've been trying to assemble my finances in a way that will allow me to be comfortable after coming home from Ireland, while he's been crunching numbers to pay medical bills. I just cannot believe I was living in a fog of justification.  This is another reason why here is where I belong.  I need to be here in whatever way, significant or insignificant, possible.

  I guess it just took a couple of days waking up uncomfortably close (to people I unconditionally love) in a tiny camper to realize that people are bigger than our ambitions. 

 

Effortless Easyflow

And I think it's quite easy,
I hope I'm not being lazy.
Perhaps what's right, doesn't always require such work?

Because there's this image in my head that I can't seem to shake,
I'm walking up your wooden stairs trying to figure out what to expect
I see your face, and I don't expect anything.

You smile and tell me you like my dress,
I turn into an Arnold Palmer of emotions at once
and all that I can think about is enjoying Otis Redding with you

All I want to do is just sit with you while my iced cappuccino melts
hear you talk about this amazing bike trip across the country.

I'll mostly smile because I don't know much about fixed gears,
I'll wish that I did.
only for the sake of understanding and probably joining you
and not so much for the fact that I could impress you with my knowledge

For some reason with you it's so easy,
and I really hope that I'm not being lazy
this thing seems entirely right.

You once told me you didn't believe in marriage,
and now you're thinking about things you won't say out loud
and I usually do the same when I know my thoughts are too soon.

I heard you say something
"what did you say?"
"Oh, nothing."
"Just say it"
"No. It's probably too soon."

And usually I'm not right about a lot of things,
but I was just right about that.
Lately, I've been very right about you.

Explanation

 Exodus 34:7, "Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting (punishing) the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation."

 If you were ever addicted to drugs or any type of substance you know that getting clean is possible, however in most cases not probable. You can completely remove yourself from the environment in which contains your resources, delete contacts from your phone whom are associated with your addiction, and pray for strength every day.  Ultimately in the back of your mind you are aware that even if you take these steps and stop using, you'll always be an addict. Life (regardless of whether or not you're wearing a 10 year clean pin or not) is going to always be a constant struggle and though we may not be able eradicate these generational curses to their entirety, we can take necessary precautions and fight them.

  A little over a year ago, I took a seemingly permanent Holiday from past relationships to rebuild and better establish myself.  Over the course of maybe 10 months my relationship with God began to strengthen, my respect and love for others began to grow (along with the desire to help them [direct bi-product of this new found love for mankind]). I became selfless and felt a tremendous sense of clarity in my life.  Although I was struggling with a stagnant relationship at the time, I felt as though I had a better sense of direction more so than ever before. This solitude and time for reflection was essential to help me fight my demons.


  I was (am) a selfish, foolish liar who desires affirmation and validation from an imperfect race.  The very men that denied God and decided that their desires were more important than putting our faith in his love, was who I was idolizing (non specific, all of mankind has/and continue to do this). 

  After those months, I felt the need to reconnect with those in which I don't deny that I love to no end.  At first this reconnection felt necessary and relieving. I felt at home yet again.  Little did I realize that relapsing doesn't only occur in substance abusers.
 
 A couple of weeks had passed and I fell into a world of conviction.  The past Brooke began to take hold of the new and redeemed Brooke and the process of digression began to actuate.  I started making mistakes and lying like crazy to prevent the world from seeing the monster I was reverting back to.  I finally had the drive to cut off the future-less relationship that I was holding on to, and used alcohol to dull the pain. I used alcohol to sleep. I used alcohol to blame for my mistakes.  The one thought that was recurring in my head the entire time was what will Katie and Mike think of the mess I've become.  How could I ever get them to forgive me? And with that I was more convicted than I'd ever been in my relationship with God.

  Restless nights and a creeping alcoholism (retrospectively) became physical ailments of my metaphysical struggles. Days passed and new knowledge that was learned acted as a bricks compressing against my heart.  It goes without saying that in some ways, these days went from bad to worse.

  Currently, I am in the calm wake of all of this reflecting with more clear of a head.  As an imperfect being (with addictive qualities) in order to grow, it is essential to not revert back to a dirty past. This decision was not made in spite of, or to blame anybody else.  The only person making the mistakes was myself and being that I am fully aware, I have the duty to act.

I will always love the two of you from a necessary distance.

B. Thompson

Identity Crisis

  Somewhere else exists a better version of me; a well composed lady with concrete blocks for feet.  During the sweltering heat, burrowing hail, and torrential rain she continues to stand unmoving.  Her eyes are wide as her eyelashes work to shield away the elements, and she flinches not even for a second. As the people of the world throw their ropes and arrows, shoot bullets, and throw rocks her sturdy legs lock her bruised body into place like a statue of not greatness, but humility.  She is  aware of her faltering foundation, however determined to hold steadfast to self-preservation. Undignified she remains humble yet allows the hardening of her heart for protection against her emotional fuel.  Her current and constant fuel is reason.

  The muscle in her arms are laced with self control and cautionary doubt.  This strength allows for loading burdens and situational packages on the neatly organized shelves of her brain.  While her feet are concrete blocks, her legs are brick and mortar of perseverance. The small bones in her hands maintain closed fists bound by a wire of tolerance.  Her unblinking eyes are great worldly receptors, seeing past face-value everything. She wills herself to be the woman of God she was intended. She is constant, and she is aware. 

  The world around her is crumbling, the cities are burning.  The towers are falling while the wind is picking up strength.  As the sun nears the earths atmosphere she refuses to blink again.  Earth's people are tugging harder at the rope begging for her to fall. While they increase their fires of blame, she receives peace and maintains. Yet again, she is constant. 

She is who I want to be. She is the better version of me.

Aching for a Command

My failures, at an instant, are signals of defeat.
Today, I’m tired of waving that white banner indicating a retreat.
because what’s retreat if you’re maintaining your very same position,
riding out the tidal waves, bearing no new acquisition?
My stagnant soul tires and screams, “Where is it I should go?”
While restless hands assist my sleepless eyes with the promise not to close.
Every gaze from your eyes reminds me of mistake,
reminds me of intermittent effort,
the trust I always seemed to break.
But I promise to fall slave to making these recurring  amends,
all the while losing sight as our love slowly descends.
I pray nightly for lacking lost cause, I hope only for ascension,
a passion powerful and true to hold us in suspension.
Give me something undeniable, words that speak truth
otherwise pull me from this frozen state;
!basta ya!, genug ist genug.